Afraid To Be Awesome

2009 July 31
tags:
by Kim Werker

Email from 3 March 2009

Hi Betsy,

Yes, I’m very much in for writing! I was AWOL last week because my friend Emma was in town. She’s a freelance… well, she’s in the midst of filling in exactly what she does, too. But she works with open-source software. Anyway, we did a lot of talking about where we are and what we want. And it’s funny that you linked to that post, because I told Emma about a revelation I had on the bus a couple of weeks ago (I used to have revelations in the shower; now that I don’t I thankfully take shorter showers). I was sitting there mulling over the abyss of possibility, and I realized I’m not remotely afraid to fail. I am, however, painfully afraid to be awesome. I’m slowly learning I’m apparently not alone in this fear. I mean, really—to fail is to learn and then to try again. To succeed, though, where you define “success” as “fucking amazing awesome wonderfulness”, is simply terrifying. And so I totally hold myself back. I choke at the last minute, not out of fear of failing, but out of fear of blinding success.

It’s ridiculous, and I’m working on stopping that. I mean, of all the stupid reasons to hold myself back! Sigh.

Anyway, here’s what I’m thinking about writing in public; let me know what you think! I think it might work out well if we have sort of an intro blog post (a short one, that sort of sums up what we’ll be doing), and then shortly after that or even at the same time, we put up our first DMs from Twitter and the first email each of us sent. Then we wait a few days and put up the next pair of letters. In each letter or prominently in the sidebar, we ask people to join in somehow — by commenting, or by having a poll, or by asking questions; there are many things. We say off the bat that this may be a limited thing that will stop when our correspondence moves on; that it might grow and/or morph into something different or bigger or better.

What do you think? Is that clear? I never know if things come out clearly when I’m translating from an image I have in my head. :)

Cheers,
Kim

Dear readers, what do you think? Is there a way, beyond commenting, that you’d like to participate in TCL? (Thank you for your comments, by the way, and more specifically for sharing your stories with us and with each other!)

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from → Paths, Planning the Blog

  • Wow, you guys are really speaking my language here.

    " I realized I’m not remotely afraid to fail. I am, however, painfully afraid to be awesome."
    and
    "Commitment and expectations, these are at the heart of it for me."

    are exactly it. When I was about 10 or 12 and painfully shy, I was at an amusement park doing one of those midway games where you shoot water into a clown's mouth, racing to get your marker to move to the top of a board. I was playing against other kids my age (I didn't know them) and I was going to win. I totally had it, my aim was on and I was seconds away. Then I very purposly aimed my stream of water away from the clown's mouth.

    I don't know why I did it, but I think part of it was that I didn't want anyone's attention on me. I didn't want the blinking lights and the scoffs of the other kids who lost to some loser fat girl.

    I don't know exactly, but I remember that whenever I'm about to stop myself from doing something that I know I can do, even if no one else does. I still have the tendency to do it, but I fight it every inch of the way.
  • What a great memory to have. I mean, not that it was a shining moment, but
    that you're able to carry it with you to help you combat that very tendency.
    I don't have such a neat package to keep with me, but I'm with you on
    fighting it every inch of the way. I'm pleased to find I'm no longer losing
    a few inches for every one gained, which is a pretty huge bit of progress.
    Heh.
  • I am a total amateur at this whole freelance crafting thing, but I wondered if there is a forum of some kind, or a virtual or physical space for crafters to visit and find support/encouragement, and an opportunity to build community. I keep thinking of French Salons during the Enlightenment (I know, I know... a little abstract.), how women would gather people together for tea and conversation. In other words, they created a casual yet vital support system for those people who chose an alternative/counter-cultural lifestyle. Could we do that in a virtual sense? Would it actually meet a need that people have? Just a thought.
  • I know many people who have found theswitchboards.com helpful?

    I love love love the ideas of French Salons! Just like I need crafting
    time with ladies, I also need "idea time," time to incubate projects
    and test them out and tweak them in a safe space. I can't speak for
    Kim, but I think this project was a way to start the conversation for
    those of us who are freelancing or otherwise out on our own, whether
    that's part-time or free-time. We're just starting, so who knows
    what's possible? Is there anything in particular you'd like to cover/
    brainstorm/discuss?
  • I certainly feel that way, too, and I hope men chime into the conversation!
  • I'm "afraid to be awesome" as well. Sometimes I stymie myself and realize it soon after. I don't know if this is because to be successful at something can cause expectations/obligations (which I can be somewhat uncomfortable with) or if it is something else altogether. Glad to know I am not alone in this.
  • It's weird, isn't it? Being afraid to see how great you can be?!

    Nope, you're not alone. Welcome!
  • For me, part of it is certainly the issue of success going hand in hand with
    expectations. I have issues with expectations when they come from people who
    aren't me (what stresses me out more than anything, ever? Family). And I'm
    also loathe to be pigeonholed (this has been tough after working in such a
    small realm as crochet for so long. I've been tempted at times to wave my
    arms and scream, "I have other interests, too! I can do other things!" I've
    become a *lot* more comfortable choosing not to accept others' expectations
    of me, though. That's enormously freeing. Still, this issue is central.

    In addition to that, I think my concern about success is the commitment of
    it. I have a tendency to do things sort of on a whim, and I don't say that
    to imply it's a bad thing. In fact, I like that about myself; I like that my
    instinct is to try lots of things even if I haven't thought them through
    entirely. But when one of those things doesn't fail, it means I need to
    stick with it. That in itself isn't a bad thing at all, but it does mean
    I'll have fewer resources to try other things. And having the potential to
    try lots of things is at the root of what makes me happy. It's much of why I
    need to be a freelancer—so I can take on lots of smaller commitments rather
    than one huge one; I need that flexibility.

    Yup. Commitment and expectations, these are at the heart of it for me. I
    think. Hm.
  • It's weird, isn't it? Being afraid to see how great you can be?!

    Nope, you're not alone. Welcome!
  • For me, part of it is certainly the issue of success going hand in hand with
    expectations. I have issues with expectations when they come from people who
    aren't me (what stresses me out more than anything, ever? Family). And I'm
    also loathe to be pigeonholed (this has been tough after working in such a
    small realm as crochet for so long. I've been tempted at times to wave my
    arms and scream, "I have other interests, too! I can do other things!" I've
    become a *lot* more comfortable choosing not to accept others' expectations
    of me, though. That's enormously freeing. Still, this issue is central.

    In addition to that, I think my concern about success is the commitment of
    it. I have a tendency to do things sort of on a whim, and I don't say that
    to imply it's a bad thing. In fact, I like that about myself; I like that my
    instinct is to try lots of things even if I haven't thought them through
    entirely. But when one of those things doesn't fail, it means I need to
    stick with it. That in itself isn't a bad thing at all, but it does mean
    I'll have fewer resources to try other things. And having the potential to
    try lots of things is at the root of what makes me happy. It's much of why I
    need to be a freelancer—so I can take on lots of smaller commitments rather
    than one huge one; I need that flexibility.

    Yup. Commitment and expectations, these are at the heart of it for me. I
    think. Hm.
  • Erin Wilson
    " I realized I’m not remotely afraid to fail. I am, however, painfully afraid to be awesome."

    Wow! That's it, exactly.
  • carolbrowne
    I'm eager to see where this goes! It's all very exciting and timely for me.
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