Stuck.

2009 August 7
tags: , ,
by betsy

Email from 15 April 2009

Kim!

So I’ve been wondering about what to call it, too! What is our main goal so to speak? Outside being writers who are crafty and neurotic about ever making enough money to not worry?! :) I think we may need to brainstorm a little about that first and then a title will emerge?

The brainstormy/highly neurotic part:

Obviously we both write, and like to write, are crafty (and have mega-respect for craft and its potential) are wondering if freelance is the way to go. If it’s worth it. Lately I’ve been thinking it’s NOT worth it at all b/c I am a CRAP scheduler and with ADD am all distracted w/o headphones. (Ooh! Look! Shiny!) I guess I’m just at this point where I’m in my 30s and it’s not cool to not have a clue anymore. I’m scared. I’m freaked out. I’m broke. I’m easily distracted. I have a problem finishing things. I’m bad at disciplining myself.

BUT… I know that I was *meant* to do more than I’m doing right now. Sitting here in this coffeeshop frustrated and annoyed b/c I have no idea how to market myself or where I’m going, but know that I need to keep on keeping on b/c there’s more work for me to do, although I have no idea what it is. Yet. I’m scared of moving forward, but scared not to move forward.

And even though I’m terrified to fail, I’m even more terrified to not evolve to my full potential. I want to put myself on a track so that in 30 years I can lecture and write about radical crafts and art and travel and help women in disadvantaged countries reach their full potential via craft. I want to use craft to its full potential and help people find themselves through it, as I know it saved my life when I found it. But it’s so open-ended and so seemingly impossible that I don’t know where to start.

PHEW.

After all of that, I’m defiantly hopeful and know it will work out, I just may need to squirm around a bit and explore before I hit it. Am tired of squirming.
And… I’m writing all of that knowing that a) I’m not the only one out there who feels this way and b) people are scared to say those sorts of feelings outloud lest it make them sound crazy. But what’s crazy is that we’re all floundering on the inside and smiling on the outside, and not doing better at connecting the two. We grew up being told we could do anything, but then when the universe didn’t open up for us (as a generation) on command, we all think we’ve failed somehow. That we should be “somewhere,” although we don’t know what that “somewhere” is. We should have the Life of Riley, but instead we’re just navigating ourselves this way and that floating and thinking we’re in charge when we’re all too unsure of everything to effectively chart our courses.

/random (and hopefully not depressing) what’s hanging out in my brain, brainstorming about how to explain about what i think we all feel.

****

Oh, and I really think if we have some sort of “About” page it needs to have a little strip of those smock photos because they are awesome. And also, I love all things ridiculous. Hate that as we get older ratio of ridiculous to non-ridiculous gets worse and worse.

I’m stoked to be able to work with you, too, as you are also awesome! Like super crazy awesome! It’s nice to be able to know people who are going through the same things and doing the same things as sometimes in “real life” the number of these people who do them is tiny! I hate not having anyone here to talk to about book ideas or contracts or whatever, but am hella glad to know peeps via online who do it, it makes everything about 8 kazillion times better.

Ugh.

xox
betsy

P.S. Maybe I’ve been reading too much of White Hot Truth? http://www.whitehottruth.com? Something about it makes me happy.

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  • That could have been pulled word-for-word right out of my own scattered brain. :) Creepy.
  • jmbauhaus
    I also could have written this. I've wanted to go freelance for years, but I kept putting it off for many of the same reasons you mentioned, particularly the part about being undisciplined and having no idea how to market myself (I also have ADD). Previous attempts to start a business failed because of that last issue. But then earlier this year I got laid off, and there's so much competition and so few openings in my field that I haven't even been able to score an interview, let alone another brick-and-mortar job. Out of sheer desperation I started my freelance VA/writing/editing/web design biz, and opened an Etsy shop on the side. I'm having some success, but I totally lucked into my first major clients. Fortunately, they love me and give me all kinds of word-of-mouth publicity, but so far none of their referrals have stuck, so I've got to figure out how to market myself more effectively if this is going to work in the long run. It's scary and every day is a struggle to stay focused on my work and manage my time effectively, but so far I feel like it's worth it. Some days I really miss the structure and the lack of responsibility (if that makes sense) that came with a full-time job working for other people's goals, but I'm too in love with the freedom of setting my own schedule and choosing my own projects that I don't want to go back to that if I don't have to.

    The main point I wanted to make is, I probably would never have done this if circumstances didn't kick my butt and make me. But since I made the commitment and went for it, it's all been gradually coming together. It's a slow process to figure out what works, but I'm getting there. Best of luck to you in your own journey.
  • How awesome that wrote this on the 7th, and I'm actually catching up
    on email from then on the 10th, when I had the crazy worry money
    heebie-jeebies about sending out my resume and not hearing back from
    anyone....(yet?).... wondering wtf I'm going to do/need to do.

    So glad to hear that you've been gaining more clients and they are
    making referrals! Some will stick, it's the whole law of averages
    thing. But eventually, it will work in your favor. I hope that's
    sooner rather than later, m'dear! Best of luck to you, too! Keep us
    posted!
  • Yes! With the KNOWING that I am meant for something MORE, which to me means something BETTER, and really only I know what that means. And with the lack of discipine O HAI I've been unemployed since June and haven't really done much of anything about that except sit on my ass and obsessively refresh social networking sites which only results in me feverishly thinking that those stupid Twitter marketers are on to something...I know. It's scary.

    OK, so a lot of people are bad at the self-discipline. Who among us is really GOOD at it? That's what I want to know.

    Starting is the hardest part, and this is a start, and for that I commend both of you.
  • Oh hey, who let you into my head and why are you writing it's contents on your blog? I'm right there with you. How are we supposed to make this work, this being crafty/writing thing? So far it's caused more bills than it's really paid for and yet I persist.

    I'm not freelancing, but I'm terrified of both leaving my day job and never leaving my day job. The whole thing is elusive and I'm reaching for something, but I'm not sure what. Often that leads to a handful of something squishy and gross and potentially dangerous. And yet . . .
  • Can I just say that I loved that you used the word "squishy" to
    describe that feeling? It is just that, SQUISHY!

    Although I like some squishy things, being in such a squishy place is
    not so awesome.
  • Betsy, I think I'm 42 or 43, can't remember, anyhow things started coming together for me at 40. So at 30, I still had not clue what to do with my skills, or how to channel them into something meaningful. Anyway, you said you would like to "help women in disadvantaged countries reach their full potential via craft", I'm so very much interested in that too! The way it's coming together for me is my love of Guatemala + my current skills in textile/marketing/advertising (growing in this all the time) + my interest in learning Spanish = an opportunity with a non-profit in Guatemala that has a focus in helping Maya women use & market their skills. Two years ago I wouldn't have thought about this, but today I feel this is an achievable goal. You just never know how things will come together! I have to say that perseverance is a key quality and that all the meaningless things you think you did in the past might actually serve a greater goal in the future.
  • "All the meaningless things you think you did in the past might actually
    serve a greater goal in the future."

    YES! I've never regretted all the bizarrely inconsistent jobs and pursuits
    I've had, but more and more I'm very much beginning to *value* them. I'm
    finding that my various backgrounds aren't as unconnected as they'd once
    seemed, and I'm discovering more and more ways to put those interests and
    knowledge together into projects that make me incredibly happy.
  • mel
    I'm wanting to chime in with something of value, but have more appreciation than anything to offer currently. I feel reassured reading these posts and the discussion (and that people who have actually done some of these things still struggle - thanks for being real & honest!) I'm not sure exactly where I'm headed (though I have some ideas), but I am certain of where I don't want to be. Figuring that out has been a long process, but despite all the uncertainty and frustration, I feel so much better having confidently ruled something out ;)
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