I’ve gone and done what I had no intention of doing: I’m nearly two weeks into a new full-time job (which I blogged about here).

It’s a major and exciting adjustment – I haven’t worked away from my home in over eight years. For now I’m focusing on getting to the office on time every day, and today I even managed to bag my lunch. Eventually, I imagine I’ll be able to figure out how to write and craft just like everyone else does when they work full-time. For now, I’m squeezing in a few minutes here and there and have developed a tremendous new respect for people who have always done it this way.

xo
Kim

PS Maybe all you full-time-working folks would drop some advice into the comments? I’m sure we all have tips to share about balancing work and life – for me, at least, the kind of balance I need to strike has just totally changed!

PPS I’ve never really moonighted. I just sort of liked the implication, even if it’s not accurate. Whatever.

Dear Betsy,

I’m trying to stop thinking of this post as too precious. We ran out of emails a few weeks ago, precisely when each of us began to have big things going on, and then enough time passed since our last post that I got nervous about breaking the silence. Silly! And so, here I am.

Just like in June, I’m sitting in my parents’ living room; it’s rare for me to visit here twice in one summer. And like last time, I feel like this long-planned trip comes at the perfect time to disrupt the groove I was settling into back at home.

I have some biggish plans brewing for this fall but I can’t really talk about them yet, so on the one hand I’m excited because I know I’ll be doing what I set out to do this year (writing a lot about things that fascinate me, with people I admire and respect), but on the other I can’t spill the beans yet so my satisfaction must remain private for a little while longer.

I can, though, say some things. Two-thirds of the way through my year off, I found myself itching to work again. Seems I’m not very good at chilling out. Actually, that’s not right. What I don’t much enjoy doing is sitting in a vacuum trying to do lots of stuff on my own. I love dreaming up grand plans, of course. I was going to learn to quilt this year, and make a giant one. I was going to learn how to sew other stuff. I was going to embroider things for our house. I was going to write fiction and essays and all sorts of other stuff. I know myself well enough not to chastise myself for not doing those things; I’m happy to stop at the dreaming stage. It’s good enough to be reminded of how much I need collaboration. On my own I’m a dreamer. With others I’m a doer.

I suppose this post is still precious enough that I can’t quite get past writing generalities. But perhaps now we’ll forge ahead without having to worry about breaking the silence.

x
Kim

Kim!

So I’ve been wondering about what to call it, too! What is our main goal so to speak? Outside being writers who are crafty and neurotic about ever making enough money to not worry?! :) I think we may need to brainstorm a little about that first and then a title will emerge?

The brainstormy/highly neurotic part:

Obviously we both write, and like to write, are crafty (and have mega-respect for craft and its potential) are wondering if freelance is the way to go. If it’s worth it. Lately I’ve been thinking it’s NOT worth it at all b/c I am a CRAP scheduler and with ADD am all distracted w/o headphones. (Ooh! Look! Shiny!) I guess I’m just at this point where I’m in my 30s and it’s not cool to not have a clue anymore. I’m scared. I’m freaked out. I’m broke. I’m easily distracted. I have a problem finishing things. I’m bad at disciplining myself.

BUT… I know that I was *meant* to do more than I’m doing right now. Sitting here in this coffeeshop frustrated and annoyed b/c I have no idea how to market myself or where I’m going, but know that I need to keep on keeping on b/c there’s more work for me to do, although I have no idea what it is. Yet. I’m scared of moving forward, but scared not to move forward.

And even though I’m terrified to fail, I’m even more terrified to not evolve to my full potential. I want to put myself on a track so that in 30 years I can lecture and write about radical crafts and art and travel and help women in disadvantaged countries reach their full potential via craft. I want to use craft to its full potential and help people find themselves through it, as I know it saved my life when I found it. But it’s so open-ended and so seemingly impossible that I don’t know where to start.

PHEW.

After all of that, I’m defiantly hopeful and know it will work out, I just may need to squirm around a bit and explore before I hit it. Am tired of squirming.
And… I’m writing all of that knowing that a) I’m not the only one out there who feels this way and b) people are scared to say those sorts of feelings outloud lest it make them sound crazy. But what’s crazy is that we’re all floundering on the inside and smiling on the outside, and not doing better at connecting the two. We grew up being told we could do anything, but then when the universe didn’t open up for us (as a generation) on command, we all think we’ve failed somehow. That we should be “somewhere,” although we don’t know what that “somewhere” is. We should have the Life of Riley, but instead we’re just navigating ourselves this way and that floating and thinking we’re in charge when we’re all too unsure of everything to effectively chart our courses.

/random (and hopefully not depressing) what’s hanging out in my brain, brainstorming about how to explain about what i think we all feel.

****

Oh, and I really think if we have some sort of “About” page it needs to have a little strip of those smock photos because they are awesome. And also, I love all things ridiculous. Hate that as we get older ratio of ridiculous to non-ridiculous gets worse and worse.

I’m stoked to be able to work with you, too, as you are also awesome! Like super crazy awesome! It’s nice to be able to know people who are going through the same things and doing the same things as sometimes in “real life” the number of these people who do them is tiny! I hate not having anyone here to talk to about book ideas or contracts or whatever, but am hella glad to know peeps via online who do it, it makes everything about 8 kazillion times better.

Ugh.

xox
betsy

P.S. Maybe I’ve been reading too much of White Hot Truth? http://www.whitehottruth.com? Something about it makes me happy.

Kim,

So glad to hear that you agree with me! :)

I always like to have a nemesis! Not only is it fun to say you have a nemesis, but I find it also gives me extra inspiration when I need it… even if it sounds ridiculous. It also reminds me that life isn’t all so serious because you sound like you’re in a cartoon, “My nemesis will never get the best of me!”

I also like the idea of starting with the tweets. Yesterday I hung out with a friend of mine who wants to start a bakery, but is too scared to do it. It’s something I literally hear all the time. I don’t why so many of us are stuck in this holding pattern… although I guess deep down I know exactly why we are stuck, it’s just weird that there are so many stuck people! If this continues, the retirement home is going to be full of especially bitter people who never went for their dreams! Yikes!

I especially struggle with not being overwhelmed with all the things I have to do. I have projects I’m doing with other people, my own stuff, projects that needed to be done ages ago, 5 email addresses, and craft stuff. I need to figure a way to organize it better so I’m not constantly worried about which one I should start and then get nothing done! And I love doing all of those things, because it allows for awesome dialogue and fits my ADD brain really well.

And as for freelancing, if I’m going to really do it, I need to figure out how many things I need to take on at once. It seems like I’d need to be writing 5 or 6 articles at the same time each month, but surely there must be a better way?

I feel like I’ve written about craft and culture and the handmade for so long, and that there’s really nothing I can do with it. I can tell other peeps what they should do and come up with 8,000 ideas for them but when it comes down to me, I’m stuck short. If only there was a way for people to pay me to come up with ideas for them?

And all of these things are I think things that need to be addressed honestly. Not necessarily in an “I’m really neurotic and worried” sense but in an honest, this is what happens to everyone but no one’s admitting it way. I’m also down with letters! It’s just a really nice format. I’m not sure really in what direction it would go, but I’m thinking it would work itself out?

Sorry this is so all over the place, it’s kind of how my head is lately. I think a ton of it is that I’m so worried about money that it’s almost hard to breathe lest move forward. But I also know that “this, too, shall pass” and am comforted by the fact that I’m not alone in all this and just want to go hug all the people who still think it’s just them worrying with no idea where to go. We just all need to get unstuck and told it’s going to be okay.

x
betsy

Then my reply.

We shared a few direct messages then moved to email. The short of it is that we discovered something and decided on something, too.

What we discovered is a great relief in pouring our hearts and minds out to each other about our desires, dreams, fears, confusions, and panic. What we decided to do is leave the safety of our private email and bring our conversation public. We figure it’s not likely we’re alone in our fears, or, more importantly, alone in the relief we feel when we discover we’re not in fact, say it with us now, alone.

Over the next few weeks we’re going to mildly edit and publish our initial email conversations and when we’ve exhausted those we’re going to continue our discussion just on this blog.

Our hope is to start a giant conversation with you about all sorts of things that boil down to this: What’s it like to strike off on your own into a creative field, where do you find support and community when you do it, where do you turn when it seems everyone in your life thinks you’re crazy? We’re not into compiling top-10 lists or giving advice on how to find an accountant. We’re very much into striving toward waking up each morning feeling at peace with the tasks we have to accomplish and the comfort of knowing there’ll be food on the table.

Do chime in with a comment, eh?