Hi there!!

For some reason (I’m blaming PMS) the whole not going to Africa thing has decided to put me in a crappy mood the past day or so. Ugh. I think the thought of finding a vehicle that would magically put me in the right place with the right people with direct in country access to organizations I’d like to work with was so freeing (for that fleeting 24 hours!) that realizing I’m back (again) trying and break into a new field in a recession with non-traditional skills has sucked the wind out of my sails. I was looking at jobs today and in tears because it all seems so impossible and ludicrous and I just wanted to hug all the women I was reading about that were making mats out of branches or cooking for their villages or whatnot. And then I was in tears because it was so stupid that I was upset when I wasn’t the one making mats or cooking for starving people and was writing on a laptop and drinking coffee in air conditioning!

Ok, that was sort of an untraditional way to start an email, but when the reporter writing a story on me for the local paper came by the other day, we started talking about people’s roles in institutions and she said that thinkers like me (and you!) were really important to the way things work and that how seeing life as this one giant path where you learn and screw up and try and fail and try and succeed and keep going is really valuable. Of course… this was awesome. And is awesome. But… it doesn’t account for all the in-between WTF times that appear along the way. I actually referred to those WTF times today as “bushwacking,” because you’re near the path but not on it. And you know you’re near so you’re annoyed and hopeful and tired and most importantly ready. Not to mention hungry to be back on track!

I think we’re both in one of those WTF times where things are going well, but not really where you wanna be, although you’re glad you’ve come farther than where you started initially?

So what to tag the posts? Hmmm… all I can think of is “the creative path” but that’s not really one word…

Okay, I need to go to bed. I really need to stop sending emails late at night, when I’m all night-owled and awake and uber-rambler.

More soon!

xo
betsy

Kim!

Hooray for still wanting to write stuff! (Ok, so I’m not very eloquent this evening.) That’s great!

And what’s even greater is that you are worried to be awesome! It seems like a problem that can easily be chipped away at… in time? Or does that sound insane? I’m “scared to fail” right now, but I’m pretty convinced it’s due directly to living in a town that’s too comfortable to be in. There’s absolutely no reason to grow or challenge yourself here*, and I’m kind of living the same life I was living here 10 years ago, which is terrifying. When I start challenging myself and moving forward, I’m that healthy kind of scared that rules, and when I sink into a rut, I become one “slack motherfucker.” (To quote a lyric that was written in this town!) [Hear it here.]

When I start moving forward, however, I get scared to be awesome. Because awesome means change, which means changing…which is LAME because change is good for us! So, we’re possibly in the very same boat, although my boat has a giant mosquito net over it that I need to tackle into submission.

I like the idea of posting the Tweets and emails and general frustrations to start out with! In PDX maybe we can find some time to suss it further out in person?! Yay! So excited! Sweet!

So when you think about it, what kind of responses would you like to have? Just curious as that brings it to a “who’s the audience? is there an audience?” level.

x
betsy

*Yes, people challenge themselves here. I love where I live. But it can be all too easy to get too comfortable somewhere. The “how” part can be a mystery, the “when” part is simple: when you stop growing, something has to change. And as for change, the “where” and “what” parts depend on “you” individually. The “why” part? Ah, there’s the rub.

Hi Betsy,

Yes, I’m very much in for writing! I was AWOL last week because my friend Emma was in town. She’s a freelance… well, she’s in the midst of filling in exactly what she does, too. But she works with open-source software. Anyway, we did a lot of talking about where we are and what we want. And it’s funny that you linked to that post, because I told Emma about a revelation I had on the bus a couple of weeks ago (I used to have revelations in the shower; now that I don’t I thankfully take shorter showers). I was sitting there mulling over the abyss of possibility, and I realized I’m not remotely afraid to fail. I am, however, painfully afraid to be awesome. I’m slowly learning I’m apparently not alone in this fear. I mean, really—to fail is to learn and then to try again. To succeed, though, where you define “success” as “fucking amazing awesome wonderfulness”, is simply terrifying. And so I totally hold myself back. I choke at the last minute, not out of fear of failing, but out of fear of blinding success.

It’s ridiculous, and I’m working on stopping that. I mean, of all the stupid reasons to hold myself back! Sigh.

Anyway, here’s what I’m thinking about writing in public; let me know what you think! I think it might work out well if we have sort of an intro blog post (a short one, that sort of sums up what we’ll be doing), and then shortly after that or even at the same time, we put up our first DMs from Twitter and the first email each of us sent. Then we wait a few days and put up the next pair of letters. In each letter or prominently in the sidebar, we ask people to join in somehow — by commenting, or by having a poll, or by asking questions; there are many things. We say off the bat that this may be a limited thing that will stop when our correspondence moves on; that it might grow and/or morph into something different or bigger or better.

What do you think? Is that clear? I never know if things come out clearly when I’m translating from an image I have in my head. :)

Cheers,
Kim

Dear readers, what do you think? Is there a way, beyond commenting, that you’d like to participate in TCL? (Thank you for your comments, by the way, and more specifically for sharing your stories with us and with each other!)

Don’t know how you’re feeling about freelancing at the moment (or if that crazy -WTF am I doing?- email I sent was incomprehensible), but I’m down for still writing about if you are! Via the world of Twitter, I’ve come across a few freelancing sites, and wanted to this post along, because it’s pretty freaking brilliant.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine and we started talking about people’s missions on earth and if they always complete what they’re sent to do? Because some days it seems like that mission thing seems crap and is something Dr. Phil or someone similar made up and others it’s like, “Wait a minute! Have I got work to do!”

I still think that fear is what entraps us from finding said mission despite the irony that most of us know that we’re here a limited amount of time, shouldn’t live the life we don’t want to lead, etc. It’s easier to say “I had to pay my bills instead of find my calling!” because then you never have to fail.

Oh dear, I am rambling on again. About missions, no less! Eep!

x
betsy