The Creative Life

Email from 12 March 2009

Kim!

Hooray for still wanting to write stuff! (Ok, so I’m not very eloquent this evening.) That’s great!

And what’s even greater is that you are worried to be awesome! It seems like a problem that can easily be chipped away at… in time? Or does that sound insane? I’m “scared to fail” right now, but I’m pretty convinced it’s due directly to living in a town that’s too comfortable to be in. There’s absolutely no reason to grow or challenge yourself here*, and I’m kind of living the same life I was living here 10 years ago, which is terrifying. When I start challenging myself and moving forward, I’m that healthy kind of scared that rules, and when I sink into a rut, I become one “slack motherfucker.” (To quote a lyric that was written in this town!) [Hear it here.]

When I start moving forward, however, I get scared to be awesome. Because awesome means change, which means changing…which is LAME because change is good for us! So, we’re possibly in the very same boat, although my boat has a giant mosquito net over it that I need to tackle into submission.

I like the idea of posting the Tweets and emails and general frustrations to start out with! In PDX maybe we can find some time to suss it further out in person?! Yay! So excited! Sweet!

So when you think about it, what kind of responses would you like to have? Just curious as that brings it to a “who’s the audience? is there an audience?” level.

x
betsy

*Yes, people challenge themselves here. I love where I live. But it can be all too easy to get too comfortable somewhere. The “how” part can be a mystery, the “when” part is simple: when you stop growing, something has to change. And as for change, the “where” and “what” parts depend on “you” individually. The “why” part? Ah, there’s the rub.

Email from 3 March 2009

Hi Betsy,

Yes, I’m very much in for writing! I was AWOL last week because my friend Emma was in town. She’s a freelance… well, she’s in the midst of filling in exactly what she does, too. But she works with open-source software. Anyway, we did a lot of talking about where we are and what we want. And it’s funny that you linked to that post, because I told Emma about a revelation I had on the bus a couple of weeks ago (I used to have revelations in the shower; now that I don’t I thankfully take shorter showers). I was sitting there mulling over the abyss of possibility, and I realized I’m not remotely afraid to fail. I am, however, painfully afraid to be awesome. I’m slowly learning I’m apparently not alone in this fear. I mean, really—to fail is to learn and then to try again. To succeed, though, where you define “success” as “fucking amazing awesome wonderfulness”, is simply terrifying. And so I totally hold myself back. I choke at the last minute, not out of fear of failing, but out of fear of blinding success.

It’s ridiculous, and I’m working on stopping that. I mean, of all the stupid reasons to hold myself back! Sigh.

Anyway, here’s what I’m thinking about writing in public; let me know what you think! I think it might work out well if we have sort of an intro blog post (a short one, that sort of sums up what we’ll be doing), and then shortly after that or even at the same time, we put up our first DMs from Twitter and the first email each of us sent. Then we wait a few days and put up the next pair of letters. In each letter or prominently in the sidebar, we ask people to join in somehow — by commenting, or by having a poll, or by asking questions; there are many things. We say off the bat that this may be a limited thing that will stop when our correspondence moves on; that it might grow and/or morph into something different or bigger or better.

What do you think? Is that clear? I never know if things come out clearly when I’m translating from an image I have in my head. :)

Cheers,
Kim

Dear readers, what do you think? Is there a way, beyond commenting, that you’d like to participate in TCL? (Thank you for your comments, by the way, and more specifically for sharing your stories with us and with each other!)

Kim!

Don’t know how you’re feeling about freelancing at the moment (or if that crazy -WTF am I doing?- email I sent was incomprehensible), but I’m down for still writing about if you are! Via the world of Twitter, I’ve come across a few freelancing sites, and wanted to this post along, because it’s pretty freaking brilliant.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine and we started talking about people’s missions on earth and if they always complete what they’re sent to do? Because some days it seems like that mission thing seems crap and is something Dr. Phil or someone similar made up and others it’s like, “Wait a minute! Have I got work to do!”

I still think that fear is what entraps us from finding said mission despite the irony that most of us know that we’re here a limited amount of time, shouldn’t live the life we don’t want to lead, etc. It’s easier to say “I had to pay my bills instead of find my calling!” because then you never have to fail.

Oh dear, I am rambling on again. About missions, no less! Eep!

x
betsy

I’m interrupting our regularly scheduled emails to share an interview I did last night with Mary Beth Temple on her podcast, Getting Loopy, during which we talked a little bit about The Creative Life. The audio quality isn’t great, but if you want to hear a little more about TCL—or, perhaps more accurately if you’ve been reading the blog since we launched last week, to hear me say aloud what you already know—I’ve embedded the recording below. Quite relevant to my adventure freelancing is the plugging I did of my new book. Be warned.

Email from 18 February 2009

Kim,

So glad to hear that you agree with me! :)

I always like to have a nemesis! Not only is it fun to say you have a nemesis, but I find it also gives me extra inspiration when I need it… even if it sounds ridiculous. It also reminds me that life isn’t all so serious because you sound like you’re in a cartoon, “My nemesis will never get the best of me!”

I also like the idea of starting with the tweets. Yesterday I hung out with a friend of mine who wants to start a bakery, but is too scared to do it. It’s something I literally hear all the time. I don’t why so many of us are stuck in this holding pattern… although I guess deep down I know exactly why we are stuck, it’s just weird that there are so many stuck people! If this continues, the retirement home is going to be full of especially bitter people who never went for their dreams! Yikes!

I especially struggle with not being overwhelmed with all the things I have to do. I have projects I’m doing with other people, my own stuff, projects that needed to be done ages ago, 5 email addresses, and craft stuff. I need to figure a way to organize it better so I’m not constantly worried about which one I should start and then get nothing done! And I love doing all of those things, because it allows for awesome dialogue and fits my ADD brain really well.

And as for freelancing, if I’m going to really do it, I need to figure out how many things I need to take on at once. It seems like I’d need to be writing 5 or 6 articles at the same time each month, but surely there must be a better way?

I feel like I’ve written about craft and culture and the handmade for so long, and that there’s really nothing I can do with it. I can tell other peeps what they should do and come up with 8,000 ideas for them but when it comes down to me, I’m stuck short. If only there was a way for people to pay me to come up with ideas for them?

And all of these things are I think things that need to be addressed honestly. Not necessarily in an “I’m really neurotic and worried” sense but in an honest, this is what happens to everyone but no one’s admitting it way. I’m also down with letters! It’s just a really nice format. I’m not sure really in what direction it would go, but I’m thinking it would work itself out?

Sorry this is so all over the place, it’s kind of how my head is lately. I think a ton of it is that I’m so worried about money that it’s almost hard to breathe lest move forward. But I also know that “this, too, shall pass” and am comforted by the fact that I’m not alone in all this and just want to go hug all the people who still think it’s just them worrying with no idea where to go. We just all need to get unstuck and told it’s going to be okay.

x
betsy

Email from Kim to Betsy, 17 February 2009

YES! This is exactly it. I think fear is at the crux of the issue for everyone, even if people’s fears differ. But I think the fear of instability is common to all people who want to go independent.

I think this is why an open dialog can be so powerful. Not just because talking with people who are in the same boat can be so great, but also because, really, “independent” can mean two things: It can mean making a living for oneself on one’s own terms, but it can also mean going it alone.

It’s the alone part we can address together. Really, freelancing probably entails working with more people (and, I think, in more satisfying ways) than working a “real” job. We’re not alone.

To risk cheesiness in summing up: We all have each other.

But seriously. Businessy types call it networking; I call it collecting people. We have each other to learn from, to learn with, and to count on. It won’t pay the bills, but it can be the foundation of creating stability.

Ok, we have to do this. I don’t know why I’m caught on the idea of writing letters to each other—maybe it seems so intimate while it also tells a story.

The site could become many things; maybe the first component of it should be something like a collaborative blog. Like, “Dear Betsy, I woke up this morning with a terrible feeling of doom. I hate one of the big projects I’m working on, and am totally at a loss for what I want to do instead. I have all these ideas, but…”

If we do it, and do it honestly, I have no doubt good things will come from it, even if those good things only add up to a bunch of fun (but I think it will end up being more than fun).

What if we took the few tweets and these emails, edited them a bit, and started there?

Kim

Oh! P.S.:

I so totally hear you.

I have an internet nemesis (so I like to jokingly refer to her). Every so often she tunes into what I’m doing and rips it apart. When I announced I was leaving the magazine, she went on about how I have the luxury to not follow through on things (of course she thinks I suck and am unqualified to do those things in the first place) because I have a big mucky-muck husband to support me. Of course, my husband is in school, and has been for the last three years. I was the one doing the supporting, and when I started to be miserable at work, we sat down and figured out what I’d have to make freelancing in order for me to be able to leave my job. It turns out it wasn’t a painfully large amount of money.

But then I also ended up selling CrochetMe.com at that time, and that removed the desperation for income, for a few months at least. I certainly didn’t get rich off it, but I did buy some cushion. I wonder, though, if that cushion is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because, oh my god the luxury! But a curse because that luxury means I can do anything I want for a while. And that means I have to figure out what I want. And I want a lot of things, and I don’t know if they’re compatible. I want to write, I want to write about crafts but I also want to branch out into other topics and I haven’t figured out yet what I want those topics to be; I want to work with smart, creative people when I do whatever it is I’m going to do; I want to talk the talk of doing right by the planet, and I want the strength and conviction to walk the walk. All of that is so general! What’s my first step to be? And the tenth step? How on earth will I make a living?

Ok. Anyway.

If you want to write, don’t get a day job. Write. For you. People will listen.

Email from 17 February 2009

P.S. As I was getting to ready to head out to meet a friend for lunch, it hit me.

My problem is that I’m scared to dive into being a writer/crafter/artist person because of its instability. Doing anything else will make me miserable, but not knowing how to really go about things is making me neurotic.

It’s the struggle so many of us have, but how many of us dive and how many of us step back off the diving board and watch?

:)

Email from 17 February 2009

Hi Kim!

Oh, your email has so many great ideas!

So here’s where I am in things workwise. Was working part-time writing a book, finished book, more random part-time work, book came out, found a few part-time jobs during holiday chaos and now holiday chaos is over am beginning to freak out. I was hoping to be working on a new book proposal, but I’m not 100% about my ideas, which is worrying me because I don’t want to wait too long to get something going. I’d like to write a book that involves travel and craft research, but am not sure how to swing that either right now.

So I guess we’re in similar places: Am I crazy for thinking [writing full-time] could work? Why shouldn’t I pack it all in and get a job that gives me stability? Stability would make me worry less about money, but I know from experience I would be miserable doing a job that I’m not interested in. I’m just full of questions and worry, but *excited* about the possibilities.

I’m up for whatever as long as it starts some sort of dialogue. Having something on the site you registered could be a really good idea if that’s what you’re leaning toward? I know that lots of people are feeling the same way about things, and know from experience as I know you do too that starting and opening a dialogue can be the best way forward, bringing new ideas and opportunities to light?

Wow, this is rambly. Can I blame the fact that I haven’t eaten yet or something?

x
betsy

Clarifying update: I wrote this email months ago. And in all this freaking out, discovered that I’d like to return to working full-time, using what I’ve learned this past year as an asset. I’ve discovered a direction I can take that will allow me to write and research and learn and work towards the greater good. All the not being able to sleep, worry, fear, and tears taught me so much about myself, my work, where I’m going, and most importantly, where I need to go personally, emotionally, professionally and creatively. Who knew that so much muck could ultimately be so liberating?

Email from 16 February 2009

Hi Betsy,

About those tweets. I’m so tempted to say, “Let’s do this!” but then I keep reminding myself we don’t know what “this” is.

Freelancing = teh suck sometimes. Many of us are in the same boat, and have the same considerations: Do I take that job? Even though I’m not very interested in it? Even though I’m totally interested but it doesn’t pay much? Even though it might go on and on but I want to keep myself flexible enough to do other things? Even though what I really want to do is start something totally new?

Or, um: Where can I find a damn job? That I’m interested in? That’s in line with what I want to accomplish? That pays well? That will still allow me to start that totally new something I really want to do?

It’s the intersection between lofty goals and mundane daily life maintenance, and when things aren’t working out, it’s about the worst feeling ever.

I say we give it a go, talking about it in public—the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. I know a ton of crafters and other creative types who are trying to make a go of their business (full-time or not) and think they might not only relate, but might like to hear more about what other people are doing. Sometimes just talking about things creates solutions (or, rather, it allows us to create our own solutions).

Hm. A couple of months ago I registered thecreativelife.net, and though I’ve toyed with doing a few different things with it I’ve sort of been letting it fester in the back of my mind until it feels right.

Or, screw that. We could do any number of things. Let’s do it how we want to do it and if we love it, then we can make it bigger. We could write blog posts to each other about what’s on our minds re: the freelance life. Or we could do a podcast. Something that’s us, in our own way, and that’s just honest and allows us to dream, and then inspires us to live those dreams.

Oh dear. I think I’ve slipped *into* a dream. Must be the source of the rambly ramblings.

What do you think? (No holds barred—tell me this idea blows and I’ll be cool. But I might need a hug.)

Cheers,
Kim

It began with Betsy’s tweet last February.

Then my reply.

We shared a few direct messages then moved to email. The short of it is that we discovered something and decided on something, too.

What we discovered is a great relief in pouring our hearts and minds out to each other about our desires, dreams, fears, confusions, and panic. What we decided to do is leave the safety of our private email and bring our conversation public. We figure it’s not likely we’re alone in our fears, or, more importantly, alone in the relief we feel when we discover we’re not in fact, say it with us now, alone.

Over the next few weeks we’re going to mildly edit and publish our initial email conversations and when we’ve exhausted those we’re going to continue our discussion just on this blog.

Our hope is to start a giant conversation with you about all sorts of things that boil down to this: What’s it like to strike off on your own into a creative field, where do you find support and community when you do it, where do you turn when it seems everyone in your life thinks you’re crazy? We’re not into compiling top-10 lists or giving advice on how to find an accountant. We’re very much into striving toward waking up each morning feeling at peace with the tasks we have to accomplish and the comfort of knowing there’ll be food on the table.

Do chime in with a comment, eh?